Are We Just Kidding Ourselves?
by Just-Visiting12
Summary: Clary almost let a laugh out at the thought. What a strange feeling, to not feel anything at all. Was she in denial? Did her body just pretend the last month never happened? Strange. Considering she was the one to end the relationship. One-shot.


**Hi guys. This is just a small one-shot. It's not Clace unfortunately, and honestly probably isn't written to the best it can be. I was just using it as a way of trying to get some thoughts out, and potentially projecting onto Clary every so slightly (****_maybe). _**

**Still I would still love your feedback! Enjoy I guess.**

****Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Mortal Instrument characters that is all Cassandra Clare****

Clary's feet pounded the ground harder, faster, in an attempt to forget everything. To get some numbness from her feelings - or lack thereof. She would continue to run until she couldn't remember her own name, let alone the boy she had come to love over the past two years. Well, _ex _boy now.

Clary almost let a laugh out at the thought. What a strange feeling, to not feel anything at all. Was she in denial? Did her body just pretend the last month never happened? Strange. Considering she was the one to end the relationship.

Clary shook her head to try and rid of the thoughts. Try not to think about him, think about us, think about not having him in your life anymore. She had been running for over an hour at this stage, her irregular breathing was catching up on her and she knew she would have to stop soon. Clary was relishing in the pain, of the feeling of _something_.

Finally giving into her screaming lungs, she collapsed onto the grass just off the park path she had been running on. Crawling her shaking body underneath a large oak tree, she leant her whole weight against its trunk, as if that was the only thing keeping her upright. It probably was.

Clary couldn't help but ponder over her relationship with Jace. How had two people who were insanely in love with each other, fall so far out of love. She knew she had issues, and he had his own struggles, but they were good together. Jace knew her more than she knew herself; was the first boy to ever actually love her for who she was. The first person to make her feel loved.

So how had they become so distant? So uncomfortable around each other. Tip toeing around insecurities, and biting their tongue in conversation. Bitterly, Clary laughed and shook her head. _Well, apparently I was the only one. _She thought back to the day they broke up, the conversation that left her more confused about reality than she had ever been.

_"__Don't you think we are just kidding ourselves sometimes? Pretending to be happy when we aren't?" _

_ "__What do you mean pretending? Are you not happy anymore?" _Jace sat perplexed, seemingly Clary had sparked up this conversation out of the blue.

_"__Are you happy in this relationship anymore? We aren't how we used to be. Things have changed, we've changed, and I can't carry on being like it has been the past few months". _She hadn't even given him a chance to answer the question, having been ruminating on these feelings and questions for weeks now.

Jace just sat there, which admittedly started to aggravate Clary. Answers. She needed answers, and she needed them now. All this pent up anxiety and frustration had built up through arguments, and pettiness. He lamely replied, "_I don't know what you want me to say". _

Clary almost felt like screaming. _Tell me how you feel! Tell me this relationship is failing and it's not all my fault. Tell me you've felt the same way too. That we've tried and tried to change each other to fit into our lives but that's not fair. Tell me you love me but we aren't right for each other right now. _

Instead she took a deep breath. Reminded herself that this relationship has been an amazing two years of her life and has taught her so much. She loves Jace and doesn't want to be on bad terms with him. She doesn't want to hurt him anymore than she needs to.

_"__Jace," _Clary sighed, suddenly feeling very drained, "_All we do is argue and fight with each other. We never make any time for each other. It just seems like we are trying too hard to keep something that isn't making us as happy as we can be. We are very different people, and it's not fair for me to ask you to sacrifice what you want in a relationship for me." _

At that Jace's head shot up. His eyebrows pulled together in a scowl, and snapped, _"Sacrifice what exactly? I haven't tried to change who you are - well I haven't intentionally tried to."_

_"__Jace, I'm not like you. You like being with people all the time, youre a social butterfly and everyone flocks to you, and you relish in it. Which is amazing, I love that you fit in so easily with everyone. But that's not me. I like my own company. People drain me, and I need time to be on my own so I can recharge mentally."_

_ "__And I understand that. I know you are busy, with college, and your part-time job, I understand we can't see each other all the time. I've accepted it, and I can live with that, Clary."_

_"__You don't understand Jace!" _Clary interrupted, clearly frustrated. _"Even if I had four weeks off, I wouldn't want to see you every day! That's the difference! You want to spend all day every day with your partner, which is great. But that's not me. I can't give you that." _Clary looked down and started playing with her fingers. She knew this was the beginning of the end. But if she was being honest with herself, it was over weeks ago she just didn't want to let go. _"Are you happy with me? Would you be happy with us if we acted the same as we do now in six months' time? In a year's time? Don't you ever think about the negatives of us? Why aren't we happy all the time?"_

_"__Of course I do. If we've argued or had a disagreement the thoughts cross my mind, but I didn't think anything was wrong! I thought we were good. I love you." _Jace argued. He was clearly confused of the conversation. Clary thought he must be in denial. It couldn't possibly just be her seeing and feeling the dents and flaws in their relationship… could it? She questioned him on it.

_"__Well maybe it is me. Maybe I'm not happy. In myself, in this relationship." _Jace refused to look Clary in the eye. Just continued to look down, silent. _"But I don't think you know who you are either, Jace. You jump back and forth from job to job, always having ideas but never going through with them. You've never lived alone or done anything by yourself." _Clary had to stop herself from continuing on, _You've never had to work for anything you've got. _Clary knew what she was thinking was petty, but it was true. He had the job he had handed to him on a plate, the girls he dated always worshipped him at his feet, his parents were so high up he was given opportunities experienced people would jump through hoops for. He never had to worry about money, or food, or whether he was able to afford next month's rent. He lived in his own little bubble and he didn't even know it.

Clary reflected, maybe that was why the relationship was coming to an end. If he didn't know how to work at anything, how was he expected to know how to work at a relationship? She knew she was just as guilty. She knew successful relationships took work and compromise, but she had tried. And she was only 21. Surely at 21 you are supposed to be happy, living your life and seeing as much as you can. Not struggling through a two-year relationship - she thought they were meant to be the honeymoon phase?

At Clary's accusation against him, Jace snapped. "_What are you trying to say? I know exactly who I am and I know exactly what I want. You don't know what you are saying."_

She realised she had obviously hit a nerve and immediately started to defuse the situation. She didn't want a huge argument, and perhaps she was wrong about him. Maybe he knew exactly what he wanted and was ready to settle down - but that isn't what she wanted.

"_OK, I'm sorry. Maybe it is just me who doesn't know who I am. Or what I want. I think I just need some time to figure myself out, and I don't feel like we can stay in this relationship and do that. I don't feel like I know who you are anymore. I don't feel like I can be myself, I've been watching what I say around you. I feel like you would rather be doing anything else than spend time with me." _Clary cut off before she upset herself. She thought back to their trip together a month ago to New York. They had been wandering the streets, and she had pulled Jace into all the cute, quirky side shops that she could have bought everything in. But whilst Clary was excitedly bounding around all the handmade and artsy items, Jace would be on his phone, clearly looking at something much interesting than her. Again at dinner, they would often sit in silence unless Clary tried to suggest conversation. To strangers it may have looked like they had argued, which most of the time wasn't the case. She would look on at him across the table whilst he would be enthralled with something on the wall that often were blank, or again he would have to scroll through something on his phone. It left her wondering again why they were trying. What was the point when they both were not enjoying themselves?

Jace had clearly not realised his actions had effected Clary this way. Either that or he was good at fake pretense. _"Look Clary, I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. Of course I want to spend time with you. Maybe you do need to sort yourself out. Or do what you need to do." _There was a silence as they both pondered on what was going to happen next. No one wanted to say the words, but it was inevitable there was a break up happening. _"And I'm guessing you can't do that being with me. And there is nothing I can say to change your mind."_

At that, Clary frowned. Had he not just been in the same conversation she had? Had they both not agreed they were unhappy, that they weren't right for each other right now? Or had she completely read that wrong _yet again? "It's not about changing my mind. It's about what needs to happen right now. I've tried changing myself to be with you and it worked, briefly. But I can't do that forever, and I won't."_

Jace began sniffling and Clary immediately went to comfort him, as if on instinct. Surprisingly he let her. She held him and muttered useless apologies. She knew it wasn't her fault entirely, and that it was best for them both. She was just the one brave enough to acknowledge it. Whilst hugging and leaning on one another, Clary began to think of the things she would miss. His touch, his comforting words. Tears began to trickle out of her eyes as though in a bittersweet partway.

"_We've had a good two years. I'll never forget the memories we've made. I'm sorry we couldn't make it work. But who knows? If we are meant to be we'll find our way back to each other. But I just want you to live your life, do what you want to do. Don't let anyone, especially not me, hold you back from taking each opportunity." _Clary had to close the conversation. She knew Jace, and she knew he would try and talk her out of it. Try and persuade her to give it another go. But she knew it would be pointless. They had a break and nothing improved. Nothing changed, and nothing will anytime soon. She left his embrace and faced him one last time before having to walk away.

"_I will always love you. Just remember that. You are the first boy who made me feel loved. So thank you. For everything." _With one last sour tear she turned away. Swiping furiously at her face as she felt the icy wind pierce against her skin.

"_I love you, too. Always will." _Jace called out, almost breathless. Clary sobbed but never turned back.

Coming back to reality Clary's breathing had started to even out. She tried to make sense of how she felt about Jace now. She admits she has cried a few times, usually at nighttime. But often about missing the memories as opposed to missing the boy. She's pondered on the idea that she is defective? Perhaps she cannot love as everyone else does. She does love Jace. But isn't your first break up supposed to be agonising? Dark, depressive, and not wanting to move for at least a month? She can't say that is how she's felt. She goes to college every day, work every weekend, and even finds time and energy to go out with her friends. Does that seem like someone who is in so much pain they can't sleep, eat, breathe?

Maybe it is just she has not thought about him. Or _tried _not to. She thinks about him every day. But only superficially. Never thinks about her feelings for him. Never thinks about the nice things they did together. Only the bad, the incompatibilities, the _reasons_ they wouldn't work. The reasons they _don't _work. So perhaps that is why she often thinks of the boy she claimed to love, without thinking about him. Does that make sense? Clary didn't think so, but somehow it explained how she feels perfectly.

A month has passed and she feels as though the past two years is just a distant dream she has fantasied of growing up. Love is meant to be intoxicating, all-consuming, and the best feeling. Perhaps she didn't know love after all.

Clary sits confused. Wishing for her heart to sort itself out so she can be happy again. To feel full again, and not as if something within her is missing. She knows but refusing to admit that Jace will probably be moving on. Maybe even speaking with others as her sweaty frame is lumped against a tree. As much as she would like to think hers and Jace's relationship was special to him, she knows she wasn't his first girlfriend. And he will date others after her. And she knows that as time goes on, he will easily forget about her, and just label her as another ex-girlfriend he spent some brief time with. Clary understands that. But he will always be her first boyfriend, and will always mean something to her.

Maybe that is why she doesn't feel sad, because she knows he will always be there. He can remove himself out of her life, _like he has all their pictures together_, Clary thought bitterly. But he can't remove all the fun memories they have together. He can't remove the touches and the feelings Clary has embedded in her mind of the times they spent together.

Or perhaps in another month's time, she will be dark, depressed, and not want to do anything other than sleep and savage an entire ice cream tub. Clary doesn't know. But she does know she'll be ok. They weren't happy, and ending their relationship was best for them both. Even if Jace is in denial over that, Clary understand enough for the both of them that they couldn't have worked. They are too different at the moment. Chalk and cheese.

Clary gave a sad smile to herself. She hoped no one had been watching her ponder and try to sort her life out over the last twenty minutes. But if they had she was open to opinions. Shakily standing up she started to jog back towards home. She turned her headphones to full volume and shook her herself of any lasting thoughts of Jace. Better save them for another day.


End file.
